My sweet boy

When I saw that first + sign, there was no way I could imagine what that meant for my life.  I had no idea that he would change me in almost every single way.  I had no clue that he would grab hold of my heart with every single inch of himself and I would be smitten from the first moment I laid my eyes on him.

 

When the ultrasound told us it was a boy, I knew my husband was so proud.  We all know about the father-son relationship.  But wow!  I was not prepared for the mother-son one and how this dark-haired, long-legged little boy would undo me. 

He stands over half as tall as me.  His pants hem nor his Mama can keep up with him. 
He's got whatever it is that blows me away.  He makes my heart glow.  And I can't get enough.

{He loves his blanket.  The same blanket that was given to me when I was pregnant with him.}

{His 6th birthday.}

His heart is tender.  He sees the needs of others.  He is willing.  He is helpful.  He is quick to give.  He loves his Mama and he's always on my side.  Always.  He stands up for me and he is fierce about it.

{He chose to celebrate with a day at the beach.}

He is the first to give me a hug.  And the first to say sweetly, "You look so pretty, Mama."  He is full of compliments and I appreciate them!

He is gorgeous.  On the inside and out.  He is tall, dark and handsome.  His blue and sometimes hazel eyes are dangerous.  They melt me into a puddle.  And they will fill up with tears in an instant when he knows you are hurting.  He just knows.  And one day there will be a super lucky girl in this world.  And if she knows what's good for her, she'll love him with all her heart and treat him like gold.

He is precious in my sight.  And he was fearfully and wonderfully made.  He loves Jesus and he's the biggest prayer warrior I know.  He prays for those in need and doesn't forget.  Ever.

I'm not sure there could be any better.  I know he's really not perfect, but he sure is close.  I think he's top notch.  And I'm super-duper thankful for him.  He's my sweet boy and I wouldn't trade him for the world!

{Mother's Day 2013. I'm wearing the corsage he made for me.}

Unfortunately I haven't learned how to stop time, so my little man is growing up on me.  And this is my last summer with him before he goes off to 'big school'.  He doesn't know it, but it's tearing his Mama to pieces.  I'm not sure what we'll do around here.  I can tell you there will be tears.  Lots of tears.  But I also know he's ready.  And it's life.  I don't like it.   But I can rest in knowing that Jesus loves him more than I do.  How?  I can't fathom.  But I know He does.  And I know He'll be watching over His little creation.  And everyday, when that sweet boy arrives back home, His Mama and his little sister will be happy, happy, happy!

He is a gift.  The best there ever was.  My prayer for him is that above all he will always love Jesus and serve Him.  The rest is just blessings undeserved!

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts;
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts...
The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips,
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.
The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket,
wanting to be rocked.
The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you'd marry
me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past---
Would I have held on longer if
I'd known they were your last?
Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap.
Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last days of first grade.
Your last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.
I never said goodbye to all
your yesterdays long passed,
So what about tomorrow---
will I recognize your lasts?

Let me hold on longer, God,
to every precious last.....
     -----Karen Kingsbury

Blessings,

A lesson learned from Toy Story

Andy stopped by Bonnie's on his way to college to give her his most prized toys.   Woody, Buzz, and the rest of the gang deserved a loving new home where Andy was sure they would be played with with the best of care.  At one time they had been his best friends.



We had watched the first two of them for the umpteenth time and were finishing up number 3.  As I sat with my babies, sobbing my eyes out over a dang cartoon, I was seeing a whole new meaning behind the story.  It was making 'real life' sense to me.  One day I would have an Andy and a Bonnie.  And my Andy would grow up and move to college.  Never needing those blasted toys again.  The ones I pick up 79 times a day.  Those guns that are full of sand.  Those trucks and bulldozers and backhoes.  Those legos that I know could inflict more pain than a stab wound when stepped on barefoot.   My little Bonnie will grow up too.  She won't be wanting those baby dolls and all their accessories.  Those books and  piles of 'business' stacked every where. Those bags of all kinds packed full of God only knows what all.  The ones we take to the ball park, the grocery store, school, the trampoline and the sandbox.  The ones we have a complete meltdown over if we leave behind even one. 



All of those things that on most days make me want to pull my hair out and run screaming through the streets.  Those quirky little things that make them who they are.  The parts of them that make them unique.  Those are the things that make them little---just how I like it.



I find myself so often huffing and puffing over the bags.  All the bags.  Calling her a bag lady.  Complaining about how she's such a hoarder.  Wondering who in the world will ever be able to live with her.  Rolling my eyes and laughing as she packs another plastic bag full of sand, quarters, and lipstick.



Complaining that he's 5 {very near 6!} and still wants his blanket to go. every. where. we. go.
Arguing that he doesn't need to take the bulldozer and backhoe to town just to run errands. 



Why do I care?  When something so small makes them so happy?  So secure. When they are delighted to make Mama happy by doing most anything she asks, why then do I hold back?  Why do I make something out of nothing?

Why do we try to change our children?   Why don't we trust that God knew what he was doing when he created them?  Why are we sometimes ashamed of who they are?  They are just exactly who God made them to be!  And who am I to want to change that?  Bags, blankets and all.  They were fearfully and wonderfully made.


Blessings,

When comparisons smash you like a truck

I'm not usually sure when it's going to strike.  It's kind of a sneaky little joker.  Creeping up in my heart.  In my thoughts.  Creating doubt, fear, bitterness, anger.  Making me question the goodness of God.  Doubting my role as a mother.  A wife.  Wondering if and when I'll ever get it all together and measure up.

Comparison....



It's seems to be creeping around all over the world wide web.  The internet can be such an ugly monster, shouting in your face and letting you know how you fall short.  Never telling the truth.  Never showing the ugly in other's lives, just the good.  It's a for sure place to see all the "success" of everyone else.  But rarely ever the real-life. 



Comparison is always a trap and it sucks the life right out of me. It's constantly nipping at my heels and barking out lies.

It tells me that my worth lies...

in how many children I have. 
in how well I manage my home.
in how good my housekeeping skills are.
in how well I dress.
in how skinny I am.
in how much money I do or don't make.
in how many titles I hold.
in how good I cook.
in how many days I attend church.
in how my children turn out.
in the success of my marriage.
in how well I can control my emotions.
in how I manage my time.

When the truth is my worth lies in who I am.  A child of the King.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.



Comparison makes me weak and weary.  Afraid to chase my dreams.  Too tired to hope.
It makes me doubt my calling.  It steals my joy.  It makes me feel less-than.

It even makes me sometimes wish things were different.  People were different.  I was different.  My life was different.  My children were different.  My husband was different.



It makes me forget that God has a perfect plan.  He knows my future and He holds it in His hands.  He is in control of tomorrow.  And I can have confidence in His loving plan.



But for now He has given me the present.  I am blessed with the here and now.  He loves me because I am His and He is mine.  I've been bought with a price.  A very high price.  The highest price.

When I look away from what I wish I had, and look around at what I do have, I find a one-of-a-kind-life crafted just for me.



We are all unique.



I write because I need to remember.  Otherwise I forget and fear takes chunks out of my dreams.

There's messy days and lovely days.  There's days full of arguments and fights.  There's days of sunshine and days of rain.  There's happy days and sad days.  There's stains on the carpet and stains on my heart.  There's days full of hope and days stolen by despair. 



Regardless of what day I find myself in, my value never changes. 

He cares about my dreams and my desires.  He knows my heart.  My name is graven on His hands.  My name is written on His heart.



This is my life.  And for now, I rejoice in today.



Blessings,

When my faith becomes small

As I'm hurriedly fixing my hair, running behind already for an Easter party, I say out loud, "Please Lord Jesus make this work."   My three year old who is standing under me watching my every move looks up at me with a puzzled look and says, "Mama, are you talking to me?"  I say "No actually I was taking to Jesus."  She thinks about it a second and says, "But Mama, He's not here. It's just me and you."

Do I forget that just because I can't see Him doesn't mean He's not here?  Do I lose faith too often? 

 





To be very honest, the answer is yes.  I do lose faith.  Quickly.  I forget that He is able to do exceedingly above what I can even imagine.  And I forget that I have the greatest priveledge in the world.  I can come before the throne of grace boldly in prayer and He is always there.  I forget that He promises to give us the desires of our heart.

I give up so easily.  When I can't see a change in someone/something when I think I should, I lose faith that He will answer my prayers.  When I am hurt by someone I get angry and give up.  I stop praying.  I become bitter.  When I don't get the answer I want, I am frustrated and question His plan.  "God will bring His word to pass but we have to wait on Him to complete other work as a part of that puzzle He is putting into place."  I believe that nothing and no one can keep God's plan from coming to pass in my life.  There is always an appointed time for everything. 



When I try my best to live in a way to honor Christ, I sometimes become weary.  I get tired.  I forget that God sees me and knows my heart.  "Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him; on those who hope for His loving-kindness." ~ Psalms 33:18

I must die to self daily.  Over and over and over and over and.....

I'm so thankful for people that God places in our lives to remind us of the goodness of God.

I am on a journey, and tests are a part of that journey.  God is a promise-keeping God.

"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord.  Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." ~ Psalms 27:13-14



Blessings,

Stuffed with small things

"If we don’t feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because we have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Our soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great." (A Hunger for God, Crossway Books, 1997)

I hear myself so often say, "I'm so frustrated with life.  I just wish it were easy.  Why is there always something/someone to deal with?"

Lately, God has started to put a new perspective on things.  The truths of his Word make the answer so clear.

Maybe not always easier, but better in ways that I really don't know how to explain.

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope, It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him." ~ Lam. 2:21-25

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." ~ Zephaniah 3:17

"And I will bring them through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried; they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The LORD is my God." ~ Zechariah 13:9

 

Whether it be health issues of your own, sick children, trouble in your marriage, financial struggles, opposition with your family or friends, or whatever your 'thing' my be.  Life can be tough.

 

For me, one of the best ways to fight back against all the 'life stuff', is to find some quiet moments doing something that I enjoy which usually involves music and sunlight.

 

And around this time of year, flowers!

 



There's something about the sunlight that lifts my spirits and gives me hope and encouragement.  It's funny how the weather really can determine my outlook on things.  I'm so thankful for Spring and the hope of new life that it brings.

 



I know so many of us are struggling through the day in and day outs of life.  And the truth is it's not going to change as long as we live here on this Earth. "These things I have told you, that in me you might have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." ~ John 16:33

We have reason for joy.  He has overcome the world {and all the 'stuff'}.

When I can direct my thoughts in a positive direction, I will always be better for it.  And literally counting my blessings is a good way to start.  When I deliberately thank God for blessings his has graciously given us, it changes my attitude.  I have so much to be thankful for!





And because He has so abundantly blessed our lives, I think He would be delighted for us to step out of the ordinary.  The ordinary of just living life.  Doing the comfortable.  The easy.  Never looking outside of our little box.  What that means for your family, I'm not sure.  But my heart is being pricked in lots of ways.  I just need to be obedient.  Simply obedient.  I don't want to 'nibble on the small things of this world' and fill up so full that I don't have room for the great.



The small things of insecurity, needing so desperately the approval of others.  Spending my time and money on earthly things instead of eternal.  "Keeping up with the Joneses."  Teaching my kids about God's love and grace for all instead of creating little people who think 'it's all about ME'.

God has blessed us all too much not to do something extra-ordinary with our time here!  To store up our treasures in heaven and not on earth.

I pray that you are able to look through the yuck to the other side and see the love of Christ.  To press on inspite of the world's 'stuff'.  To know that God is refining you through the fire.  Making you a better you.  Forming new life and new hope .  Giving you the courage to step out of the ordinary and do something extra-ordinary. And strengthening you for the unseen battles ahead.

"The battle of life is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honor. If there were no difficulties there would be no success; if there were nothing to struggle for, there would be nothing to be achieved."  ~Samuel Smiles

Linking up with:::

 



Blessings,

Imperfect Progress

 

Real life in between those smiling snapshots isn't always pretty.  I can admit that.

The scene replays itself over and over again.   I'm in a hurry.  Probably because I've tried to pack too many little tasks into too few minutes.  The kids are non-responsive to most of my questions and commands.  Shoes are lost.  Hair is not brushed.  And neither are teeth.  An arguement over clothes has occured at least 4 times already.  Both are whining every breath.  Beds are unmade.  Lunches are half packed.  We finally head to the car.  One is in full-blown tears, and the other frowning, mumbling something about how he doesn't like me under his breath.  I buckle the carseat while she screams and tells me her dress won't fit between the straps right and her shoes are too tight.  She wants her business, blanket and Cocoa. The other is demanding to have the DVD turned on.  And then we, I mean I, remember we, I mean he, had homework.  We have no letter "Ee" pictures, and I was supposed to provide snacks for the class party.  We are currently 8 minutes late and still sitting in the carport! 

Then it happens.  The Mama meltdown.  Words are said that most certainly don't 'give life' and that can never be taken back at a decibel level that even my deaf family members could here and most definitely the neighbors.  I apologize over and over and eventually find myself in a puddle of tears with both children wrapped in a hug tighter than a Boa Constricter and we finally arrive to our destination an hour later.  I feel guilty all day and wonder how-in-the-world-I'll-ever-learn.

The next day proves I haven't learned.  Same song, different verse.

"I know what it's like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child."

 It's the ugly and the nasty, but it's the truth.

"I grabbed my purse, slammed the door, and screeched the tires as I angrily peeled out of the driveway on my way to a meeting.  A meeting for which I was now an hour late and in no mood to participate.  It was probably some meeting about being kind to your family...and now it's 2:08 a.m. and I can't sleep. I 'm sad because of the way I acted today.  I'm disappointed in my lack of self-control... I have to figure this out.  What is my problem?  Why can't I seem to control my reactions?  I stuff.  I explode.  And I don't know how to get a handle on this.  But God help me if I don't get a handle on this.  I will destroy the relationships I value most and weave into my life permanent threads of short-temperedness, shame, fear, and frustration.  Is that what I really want?  Do I want my headstone to read, "Well, on the days she was nice she was really nice.  But on the days she wasn't, rest assured, hell hath no fury like the woman who lies beneath the ground right here"?  No.  That's not what I want.  So, at 2:08 a.m., I vow to do better tomorrow.  But better proves elusive,and my vow wears thin in the face of daily annoyances and unpleasant realities.  Tears slip and I'm worn out from trying.  Always trying.  So who says emotions aren't bad? I feel broken.  Unglued, actually.  I have vowed to do better at 2:08 a.m. and 8:14 a.m. ad 3:37 p.m. and 9:49 p.m. and many other minutes in between." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

In her book, Unglued, Lysa writes about four different reactions to our emotions:::

1. The exploder who shames herself
2. The exploder who blames others
3. The stuffer who builds barriers
4. The stuffer who collects retaliation rocks

I haven't read far enough to give many details on each one, but I can just about tell you which one I am and which one my husband is just by reading the titles.

The one thing I have learned so far is that I'm not alone.  I'm not weird for having these emotions.  In fact, just this week I had this very conversation with my ladies prayer group and we are all in the same boat.  So my question is, "How can I be better?"  How can I make a lasting change?

Perspective.  Changing our perspective on things is crucial according to Lysa Terkeurst.  Perspective doesn't just help us see the current circumstance we're facing from a new vantage point---it also helps me process future things I face in a calmer, more grounded way.

Changing our thought patterns is another huge help.  I did a study by Chip Ingram a few years back called "Good to Great" and he took several days of his study discussing the topic of our thoughts.  It is amazing how much influence on who we actually are is controlled by our thought patterns.  "Renewing our minds with new thoughts is crucial.  New thoughts come from new perspectives." 

"I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control." ~ Lysa Terkeurst

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is---his good, pleasing and perfect will." ~ Romans 12:2

We must take captive our every thought.  It's biblical and it's fitting to the way God designed our brains.

My prayer is that I will be sensitive to His voice in the moment.  In the moment of frustration, I can take captive my thoughts and therefore control my emotions and reactions. 

"The tongue is the only tool that grows sharper with every use." ~ Washington Irving

I haven't got it mastered.  In fact, I'm a long way from it.  But I know God is working.  There is a beautiful reality called imperfect progress. 

"Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace...imperfect progress."



Blessings,

Ain't nobody got time for that

The sky is so amusing to me.  I am always captured by the sunset and I'm so thankful I have this beautiful view out the back of my house.  If I could, I'd take down every wall across the back and put windows in.  In the evenings when I'm supposed to be cooking supper, I catch myself standing at the back door, looking out at the sky while the rice cooks to mush, and the bread burns.  I usually run to get my camera and take 57 pictures while John says, "How many pictures of the same thing can you take? You did this yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that."  And he's right.  I just can't get enough.

We have started the process of lent and after a whopping 7 days, I am pleased with how it has turned out.  Let me give you a quick run-down:

• We as a family decided to fast from TV viewing {at night}.  I proposed, {just to give us something to go by and because I'm a little OCD about planning and scheduling} we would start our fast beginning at 4:00 every afternoon.  The TV remains turned off from then until the kids are in bed, and if after that my husband feels like he may explode without it, he turns it on to watch the same old junk over and over.  Surprisingly, he has left it off a couple of nights, and it has been fantastic.
• I am fasting from Facebook Monday-Saturday.  Who knew how much time I would save?!  I really didn't think it took away that much out of my day.  I just checked in here and there.  But man alive!  It has been a blessing on several levels.

{One of my favorite parts of this picture is the "Families Are Forever" sign.   In today's society that means absolutely nothing.  Even in the Christian world-view.  When it gets tough, we give up and move on to greener grass.  And yes, I know it can get really tough.  And no, I've not walked in some paths that so many have, but I do know that God intended  for a family to last forever.  There are no doubt exceptions that I believe God allows, but the VAST majority of "Biblical divorces" have nothing to do with what the Bible actually says.  I do not say that to be arrogant.  I know my marriage is NOT immune to failure.  I pray for His grace and mercy and protection on my family.  It is scary.}

 

Moving on...

Just to stay super honest, in the past 7 days, I've had to be on FB two times outside my {allowed} day.  I needed to get some info from a teacher, and also let a friend know plans had changed and that was the quickest way to do so.  And I also 'shared' a blog post from another blog because I thought it was just too good not to pass along.  And just to clarify {because I still think I have to explain myself way more than I should} I can share things on Facebook without actually being on Facebook.  So that gives me the opportunity to still put things out there that may bless another person without 'breaking the rules' per say. 

Also, we did watch the Gold Rush special on Friday night.  After lots of begging {from kids AND husband}, I gave in.

 



I seriously don't want to be legalistic about any of this.  I don't believe it's intended to make you feel guilt-ridden.  But instead to make you more aware of the need for Jesus and how much He gave for us. 

 

While on our fast, we've had time for some pretty cool crafts, long dinner conversations, playing games, some serious hide-and-seek, more bedtime stories and snuggling, and some super duper tea parties.  And I've had more time to read....it's been so nice.

I would even venture to say, it has somewhat simplified life.
 



The time away from the social-media has been a blessing.  Don't get me wrong.  I have enjoyed Facebook.  It is super convenient.  And there are some really good aspects of it.  I just felt the need to back away somewhat.  I think I had become too dependent on it and the ability to know every little detail of other's lives had become in some crazy kind of way an added stressor that I don't need.  The break has been refreshing.



So, after 5 days into this new {for our family anyway} idea, I am liking it.

 

Life is waaaay too short.  Kids are growing waaaay too fast.  I'm getting old-er.  And that stuff just steals away my precious time more than I ever thought.



And really, I agree with Sweet Brown.  "Ain't nobody got time for that."

Blessings,